Elemental: Earth
by Myst Pheonix
Summary: Skulduggery wants new clothes, and he wants his friend Ghastly back. As he tries to figure out how to speed up the process of getting Ghastly out of his statue, he runs into a split personality guy. Chaos. Lots of nitroglycerin booms. PLEASE R&R!
1. Chapter 1

disclaimer: I don't own the "Skulduggery Pleasant" books, though I wish I did. I don't own calvin hobbes either, but that's only cuase i don't have a copy right.

Calvin Hobbes was bored. Yeah, he had been bored before, but this was different. He wanted some sort of … of … excitement. Something totally unique, almost hand-tailored just for him. An adventure, he decided. With magic, and fights, and _yo-yos. _ You can't ever go wrong with yo-yos. Yo-yos equal fun. Fun equals excitement. Excitement equals the end of boredom. So, he would start playing with his yo-yos, which was his normal solution to problems such as these. He'd been yo-yoing so long, some people considered him a professional yo-yoist. He wasn't. All the same, though, he was really, really good. As long as he was acting sanely.

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"Clothes. That's what I need to get now." The person stating this rather profound remark was none other than detective skeleton, Skulduggery Pleasant.

"You need more clothes like I need to run into a rogue Cleaver, Skulduggery." This came from Valkyrie. "Besides, hate to bring up a sore point, but Ghastly is currently a statue. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do about that. "

"Shut up."

"But talking in fun!"

"Shut up, or I will personally throw you out the window, or bind you to the Canary Car, and then _take PICTURES_!"

"You wouldn't."

"I would. Not only I would, I would take great pleasure in it." Skulduggery paused. "Then, I would post them on, I don't know, Facebook?" By now, he was cackling maniacally.

"I would kill you. Again."

This remark only brought more evil joy to Skulduggery, who contemplated actually doing this cruel deed. However, he remembered his original predicament, and again stated, "I. NEED. CLOTHES. My clothes are nothing but rags due to _that_ fight, so I repeat, I NEED CLOTHES."

"We can always try to find someone else to make you clothes, other than Ghastly." Stephanie reconsidered. "Except that would be just like breaking into that vault again; digging and looting and dancing on the family grave. So no, we have to save Ghastly."

"And so, I will have to put my amazing genius brain to the test, and figure out the secrets of the Earth Element."

"Really? I would have viewed that area between where your ears would be as a vacuum. So therefore, wouldn't it be putting your amazing genius _vacuum_ to the test?" Stephanie snickered. Skulduggery, on the other hand, was no particularly amused. As they left there current location, which was also known as Gordon's house, they were chucking rocks and the like at each other.

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Calvin only noticed something odd was going on when his wall blew up without the aid of nitroglycerin packets. Not that he would _ever _willingly blow stuff up. Of course, when things went explosively off course, the police always came right to him, leaving him with quite the criminal record. Why? Because, of course, he had two rather different personalities. One, a bookworm and yo-yoer, the other, a criminally insane kid bent on blowing stuff up. With an emphasis on BOOM! Big explosions equaled a happy kid. When he was Calvin, that is. Hobbes was the civilized child, and Calvin was, well, Calvin. That is, the tiniest bit crazy. However, back to the problem on hand: Calvin Hobbes' wall had blown up, and he, for one, was innocent. This time. Obviously, the explosion in his room had made him mad. Therefore, equipping himself with the most dangerous thing he had on him, Calvin faced the clearing cloud armed with 2 yo-yos. It was time to get a bit crazy. "Hobbes? Come out, will you?"

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Skulduggery was getting decidedly frustrated. Everything he could find on the magic of the Earth element said basically that all the Earth element could do was to be used as a last chance thing, turning you into a statue without a clue whether or not you would come out this century or not. In fact, he got so frustrated he started blowing things up. That was how Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain mat Calvin Hobbes.

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Skulduggery thought it was odd when he heard only one person talk to apparently another person, and the person didn't even seem mildly irritated. This was odd, because disturbances in the air only showed one person was within the nearby vicinity. However, he didn't have much time to ponder this, because the skull won from a fateful poker game was almost immediately split in two. This irritated Skulduggery rather much. So much, that he conjured a fireball. "That was a good skull, you know, whoever you are. I rather liked it. What do you think you are doing, breaking it like that? Speaking of which, any last words, before I totally and epically slay you? "

Valkyrie stood back, waiting for the cloud to clear.

"Yeah, I have words, but they ain't last words. I'll bet you a yo-yo on that!" And with that, Calvin Hobbes was unleashed on the world of Skulduggery Pleasant.

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Author's Note

When referring to Calvin Hobbes, Calvin is the name used while he is nutty, and the rational side of him is Hobbes. I will reference them as that. (Yes, I did get the name Calvin Hobbes from Calvin & Hobbes, shame on me)

Please, this is my first Fan Fic, so REVIEW! I'M BEGGING YOU

Also, as this is my first Fan Fic, also bear with me through the awful writing that this will probably be.

- Aniewun B. Utme


	2. Chapter 2

Calvin came flying out with twin yo-yos in his hands. The first thing he did was to make a "sharp uppercut" with the yo-yo in his left hand to where approximately he believed the invader was. Apparently, his aim was dead-on. Literally, as he later found out. The intruder shouted something about skulls and last words, so his response was short and simple: "Yeah, I have words, but they ain't last words. I'll bet you a yo-yo on that!" Not exactly witty, but hey, he wasn't Einstein here, and he had few social graces. He lived by saying, "Give me a book, yo-yo, or bomb over people any day." So snappy comebacks weren't his to be found. As he flew into the eye of the dust cloud, the whole things became illuminated, as if someone lit a match. Calvin smiled. "Playing with fire isn't safe, moron." He said, while simultaneously tossing a packet of a nitroglycerin and napalm combination at where he believed was the source of the light. His face lit up with an evil smile, and things blew up.

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Skulduggery was most annoyed when "things went boom!" Fortunately, while his opponent was knocked completely unconscious, he managed to stay awake. He was certainly happy to have thrown away the fireball when he did, because that explosion could have KILLED. Whoever this was, he/she/it was dangerous. Therefore, someone who should either be one of his greatest enemies and opponent in the up and coming war, or a strong ally. Thus, Skulduggery decided to deport his adversary to a more secure location, and relieve him of any weapons he might have. Normally, this wouldn't have happened, but then again, Skulduggery _had_ gone out of the way to get into a fight. As the smoke and dust cloud finally settled, Stephanie walked into the area.

"Should we kill him? I don't want to, with him being helpless and all."

"Helpless?! Helpless?! What are you talking about?? He broke my head! Now I have to get a new one. You can't just get those things at the market these days, you know. My career has been ruined by that … that … berserker child thing!", ranted the skeleton as the identity of his assaulter was shown.

"Ummmm, Skulduggery? How are you talking now? Since you have no head and all?"

"I have utterly no idea. However, this just goes to show you how magnificently awesome I am!" If Skulduggery had a head, Stephanie imagined it would be beaming.

"Sure, sure. Whatever you say, Skulduggery, whatever you say."

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When Hobbes woke up, he noticed 2 things, almost immediately. One was that he was tied to a _rack_. His only thoughts on this were, "Oh dear. What has Calvin done now?" The second thing he noticed was that he was experiencing burns all over his body. Needless to say, Hobbes was not particularly happy. And he wasn't gonna get happier any time soon, either. Because at that moment, Hobbes, who completely and totally believed in science, and a rational explanation for everything, met Skulduggery Pleasant properly.

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"Either I'm hallucinating, or you do not have a head. Which, unless you are a large, incredibly intelligent mutant chicken, is medically impossible for you to be alive."

"Bravo! What do you want for that, a cookie?"

"As well as that, besides the fact that this is, in every sense of the word, impossible, you have no mouth, so you shouldn't rationally be able to talk. Are you a large skeleton puppet? A robot of some odd and crazy inventor? You shouldn't be able to be alive if you are a skeleton." Hobbes paused. "Then again, if you _are_ a skeleton, technically, you aren't alive."

"Good job! Wonderful analysis! Completely and totally INCORRECT, by the way. I am just me, thank you very much. And yes, I am a walking, talking, fireball conjuring skeleton." Skulduggery snapped his finger, and some flame appeared in his hands. "So how would I do _this_ if I were a robot or puppet? No, I am the one, the only the SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT. … Skulduggery glared. This is the part at which you applause, kid."

"I'd find that rather difficult, wouldn't you say? Me being on a rack and all. By the way, why am I here? Has Calvin done something wrong? Please explain when we met, and why I don't remember it."

"Calvin? Whose Calvin? Are there _two_ of you skull-smashing horrors??? Please tell me no!"

"Well no. Not quite. There is two of us, and we are both here, but Calvin is, how should I put it? Asleep."

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Author's Note

This is probably horrible, I know.

I will try to get better fight next chapter :D

I like booms … there will be at least 1 per chapter.

Now, I stop rambling

-Aniewun B. Utme


	3. Chapter 3

"What do ya mean, asleep? There is only one stranger here, ok?"

"On contraire, Monsieur …? I'm sorry; I don't quite know your name. There is Calvin and I. Calvin is rather … odd, though. Would you like to speak to him?"

"No – I would like to YELL at him. That little jerk or you broke my head with these … these … things!" With this outburst, Skulduggery lifted his hands to show 2 dangling yo-yos.

"Why, thank you for collecting my yo-yos, sir. I was rather worried that I had lost them." This remark from Hobbes was uttered in the greatest calmness.

"I WILL KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE RUDE JERK!!!!" With this, Skulduggery jumped up and raced over to Hobbes.

"I'd rather not die at the hands on something already dead, thank you very much. Calvin, will you please wake up?"

With these worlds, Hobbes went a little nutty.

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"CanIhavemyyoyos? CauseIwantmyyoyos,'reniceyos,socanIhavethemback?" Calvin paused, taking a deep breath. "Wait … ARE YOU THAT JERK WHO BLEW UP MY WALL WITHOUT PERMISSION???? THAT COULD BE DANGEROUS, YOU STUPID, STUPID PERSON! I HOPE I BROKE YOUR HEAD THAT YOU DON'T HAVE SO I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU ARE STANDING THERE! GIVE ME MY YO-YOS, AND UNBIND ME, YOU JERK! AND WHERE DID YOU PUT MY NITROGLYCERIN PACKETS??? I'LL KILL, YOU, I SWEAR I WILL!

After another minute of this ranting, Calvin's face, which had been red, turned purple and he slumped, unconscious.

"Well, that went well." Valkyrie remarked dryly as she entered the interrogation chamber.

"Well, yes, he did get a little out of hand. However, I do not believe that he is a threat to us. He seemed to be angry just because we blew up his wall. I don't see why he would make such fuss over such a small detail." Skulduggery seemed to have quite enjoyed the interrogation, Valkyrie could tell. "However, one thing that is a little scary about this kid: he suffers from a split personality. One of his personalities is ridiculously annoying a logical, too. I vote we keep him!"

"You make no sense whatsoever, Skulduggery. You know that, right?"

"Well, Valkyrie, think about it. The kid has 2 yo-yos that are strong enough, and he wields them well enough, to break bones. Does this sound like a valuable asset to you? Besides, I think that I like him … he has … spunk, I guess. Also he reminds me a little bit of me. And of you. Or someone. I don't know. He just, had a sort of … like able craziness. Call me crazy, but he is going to at least help me replace my skull. At least."

"You. Are. Crazy."

"And this is news? Craziness is one of my greatest assets when strategizing!"

Yeah … about that. It is most annoying."

"What? That not only I can come up with amazing ideas, but that I do it while I'm crazy? Are you insulting me?"

"Yes, yes I am."

Just then, Calvin woke up. "WHO ARE YOU?! ARE YOU WITH THAT _THING_!? GIMME MY YO-YOS, YOU BARBARIANS! COME ON, AT LEAST RELEASE ME!"

"**SHUT UP BEFORE I RIP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, KID!" **Skulduggery roared. Calvin looked mildly impressed.

"Seeing as you haven't put me behind bars for assault, I'm assuming you want me to do something for you, correct?" Calvin continued, despite the threat. "Well, what is it? I'm not going to do anything before I am armed again, and untied to boot."

Skulduggery tried to glare, but found it difficult without a head. "I want to get my real head back, kid, and your gonna help me get it. Comprende?"

"What? Didn't I break your head?"

"No, you broke the skull I one at a poker game."

"Well, wouldn't it be easier to just hot glue your current head back together, you undead freak?'

"Yes, but that lacks _style_ and _class_, two very important things that make me the wonderful, amazing skeleton that I am. Not to mention modest, either."

"Your assistant is not only failing to suppress snorting, she is also looking like she is asphyxiating. Does she normally do that?" Hobbes inquired.

"Whoa! You just did a personality change, didn't you! Yah gotta warn a guy about that!"

"Actually, I found that if I talk all hoity-toity, people tend to think that I am Hobbes. It is quite useful when trying to learn information, yah know what I mean?" Calvin snickered. "And you fell for it too. HAHA!"

"Yes, quite. I think you and I could actually get to enjoy one another."

"NO WE CAN'T CAUSE YOU STILL BLEW UP MY THRICE-CURSED WALL!"

"Trivial details."

"TRIVIAL DETAILS? TRIVIAL DETAILS! THESE AREN'T TRIVIAL DETAILS, YOU BAG O' BONES!"

"Technically, I am not a bag. "

"Shut up."

"But talking is just so much fun! And I need to convince you to help me get my skull back."

"I'll help you, out of sheer curiosity, but don't get me mad, ok? I'm gonna go to sleep now. Hobbes, you can sleep in till these peoples unbind us. Got it?

Suddenly, the wall collapsed. And the ceiling, and the other wall, and the floor, with a BOOM! Skulduggery raced on over to the kid, and untied him. "Now would be the optimum time to wake up kid!" Valkyrie summoned a fireball. Calvin/Hobbes got up with a sleepy look on his face, and picked up his yo-yos, which Skulduggery had dropped next to him. Skulduggery made the first move by forcing all the dust to settle, using the air. "Calvin, come hear!", barked a harsh, cruel voice. Hobbes simply grinned and kept still. "YOUR NAME IS CALVIN, AND YOU WILL COME HEAR", roared the voice in frustration.

"No thank you. Calvin isn't available at the moment. Sorry, except I'm not, as you seem to be an unpleasant type of guy."

The speaker emerged from the shadows revealing himself to be an grotesque figure, but in no way related to the Faceless Ones. He looked like the classic zombie, except he was carrying an automatic chain gun. He looked rather trigger happy, too. "You will come with me. If you don't, you die."

"Er, what has he done? Do you mind if I inquire that?"

The zombie gunner jumped, noticing Skulduggery and Valkyrie for the first time. He didn't say anything, just open fired. Valkyrie dropped to the ground immediately. Skulduggery, on the other hand, just chucked a fireball at the zombie. However, right after he did this, three words were spoken: "Calvin, wake up!"

"Huh! Ooh, zombie!" The fireball hit the chain gun, and it blew up. However, this was not what Skulduggery had meant it to do. Skulduggery cursed, and Calvin made his move. First, he put the yo-yos on both hands, and then, all yo-yo hell broke loose. First to be decapitated were the zombie's arms. The right was chopped off a sheer second after the left. Then, the ears, or what was left of them, went. Finally, throwing the yo-yos sidearm from his chest, two yo-yos of doom swished outward, and Calvin beheaded the invader.

"So, where did he come from? Anyone know?" … Calvin noticed everyone staring at him. "What? Was he someone we were supposed to help?"

"no, he was only a test. Come to me, Calvin. Come here.", an evil mechanical voice oozed. Calvin, despite not wanting to, found himself inexplicitly drawn to the voice.

"Crud. This is NOT COOL!" Calvin was starting to look annoyed and worried as he headed towards the voice. He flung his yo-yos out, however, and successfully managed to totally fail to latch onto anything. "Well, there always Plan B!" With this cheery note, Calvin threw the yo-yo up, and fast, into his chin.

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Author's Note

I decided that I didn't have enough previously. Sorry for all who already read this chapter, but I wanted a longer chapter. Didn't really think.

Sorry.

PLEASE REVIEW!


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